ADHDLoopBreak: Real-Time Behavioral Interruption for Executive Dysfunction

So for context, I have MASSIVE impulse control issues, and to me they feel worse than normal ADHD. I continue to repeat the same detrimental behaviors over and over and over again, and no matter how hard I try to work on them and no matter how harsh the consequences of those behaviors get, I feel as though at the end of the day i didn't learn anything, and I'm doomed to repeat the bad behaviors. My mouth has no filter, and it's gotten me into bad spots time and time again. If something pops into my head, it gets said, and no forethought goes into considering others' feelings or what's going on around me. I WANT to have more control over my words, but I don't know how to DO it. No amount of trying ever seems to work. I just feel stuck in this never ending loop of trying and failing.

Did multiple assessments at 8 and 11 and despite showing many signs of ADHD at those ages it was all chalked up to anxiety/OCD. Was on Strattera and Concerta and tried Intuniv but only Concerta was effective and was stopped due to weight loss. Now I'm 21 and did another assessment before starting college and they said "we believe you have inattentive ADHD. What are your thoughts on that? Do you feel it describes you or does OCD align better?". Now of course that threw me completely off, and knowing nothing about ADHD I said that I believe OCD captured my experience pretty well. Currently 3 weeks later after lots and lots of grief and questioning and OCD compulsions to prove I don't have ADHD I'm finally starting to accept that it's probably true (man typing that made me cry). I look back on my life and there is too much evidence. Chronic procrastination, jumping from hobby to hobby, trouble with sleep because I didn't want to go to bed. It's just so painful to see how close we were to getting a diagnosis all the way back then, my parents and teachers noted many symptoms but since I was able to complete the assessment without getting distracted they ruled out ADHD. I just feel like my entire identity over the past 15 years has been completely rewritten and I don't know how to handle it anymore.

Before I go into this, I hope it's okay to say that I have never been diagnosed. I just suspect I have ADHD and I think what happened this morning might be related. I haven't been to the doctor in years, but this morning might finally push me to getting professional help. I've missed a deadline at work again, and it's the kind of mistake that's impossible to hide. I can't just make myself feel better by saying, "Well, maybe not everyone noticed." Everyone I'm sure did because it is such a visible mistake. It's embarrassing and shameful, and I've done this before. I've asked a coworker to help me with these tasks because of my past mistakes, but I couldn't pass this off to them because they were on vacation. They've never made the same mistake and have always been on top of the things, which adds to my shame. I've missed deadlines before at least two other times, and it's frustrating because I thought by now that I've learned my lesson. Alarms did not save me. I had to text a crisis line this morning. Not out of fear of physically harming myself, but because I needed to talk to someone. I almost called old friends I haven't spoken to in so long out of desperation. I am so ashamed.